I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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