i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
