when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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