you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
