Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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