i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
