No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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