I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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