i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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