ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
