I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize