smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
