I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
