I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize