Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
