You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
