if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
