i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
