i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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