So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
