im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
