Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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