Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
