i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
