I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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