dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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