hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
