you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
