guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
