Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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