good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
