Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
