His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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