I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
