i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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