Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
