if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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