Got a toothbrush?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize