You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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