We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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