my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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