I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Shame - the story of my life.
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