i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
