Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
