When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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