God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
