my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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