Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
