the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A+ Viking dick
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
