Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
