1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
