Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
NoShamevember. You game?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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