So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
