Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize