I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize