i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
